The next step

When Steve and I were first together, some of my friends had a hard time understanding why I included him in most of my decisions or at least discussed them with him. They saw it as getting permission. They didn't like the "control" he seemed to have over me.

Now that they are getting to the next step - serious boyfriends, engaged and married - I hope that they now understand. I was way ahead of most of my friends and I've lost a few because of it. It was hard for me, trying to make them understand and also trying to see where they were coming from, trying to make all sides happy, including my own side.

I just want them to know that I'm so super excited for them as they journey into the next stage of their own lives! I'm always here to listen to the happy, fun retelling of an event or even the rant of a pet peeve. I'm here.

What do you mean MONDAY???

We went to see the recruiter today so Steve could weigh in. He's at 216 now.

The recruiter said he could take the ASVAB on Monday.

MONDAY.

As in 6 days from today. That means all the paperwork will start next week. Which means... I'll lose my husband for 9 weeks soon.

I'm not a happy girl.

But yes, I am proud of him.

I'm just not looking forward to missing out on my daily hits of hugs, kisses and cuddles.

Jasmine vs plastic bag

Whenever we go grocery shopping, we ball up the grocery bags as we empty them and toss them across the room because Jasmine loves to chase them.

I went to Target a few days ago to pick up a few things and threw my bag at Jasmine. Then I was being lazy and didn't ever pick it up. That was just fine with her! She ended up pushing it around the room with her nose for hours in little spurts. I think she was trying to get under it.

She has since flattened it out and uses it as her bed - even though she has a bed.

Sometimes, when she is going back to it, she pounces and just starts gnawing on it.

She did manage to get inside it at one point.

Simple Painting

This is my painting for the bathroom. It's actually lighter than it looks, but I didn't have the flash on. I like swirly designs. I don't want the typical ocean bathroom. I plan to do another with bubbles and a quote.

And those are the colors I plan to keep in my bathroom as far as towels and rugs go, so I figured I'd tie them together.

It's simple with no texture, but that's why I like it.

Feeling like a plastic bag

Katy Perry's latest song says "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind. wanting to start again? Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin like a house of cards, one blow from caving in? Do you ever feel already buried deep, six feet under, scream, but no one seems to hear a thing?"

I've felt that way. I know many others have to, or that song wouldn't have any meaning. People relate to it. It's such an inspiring song, too. Those who don't "get" feeling like a paper bag are very, very lucky and blessed.

For the most part, I don't feel like that anymore. I have the best husband, and a wonderful family.

But when you're surrounded by nothing but liars, cheats, druggies and just over all horrible people that you should be able to count on, you feel like a house of cards, on the verge of caving in. When you are constantly being punished for things you didn't do, or things that are normal to do, you begin to feel like what's the point? Nothing you do is good enough. When you have a big event such as a clarinet recital, or choir concert, or even graduation and the people who are supposed to care for you don't show up because what? You're not worth it. When all these things build up and you begin to feel empty inside... that's what feeling like a plastic bag drifting through the wind is. Just going through life. Going through the motions. You're wrong if you get upset, and you're horrible if you get excited. You're not allowed to have an opinion, and you're most certainly not allowed to stand up for yourself.

The times that I do still feel like that? When I think about giving birth. Second to my husband, I want the mother I had when I was a little girl to be there. I don't want what she has become now anywhere near me, but when I was little I really bonded with her. I could tell her anything. I felt like she was truly there for me.

My step mom, she's great, amazing even. But she's still not her. I was taught in the beginning to hate her, and so I feel like she and I never got close. Of course, once my naivete wore off, and I stopped trusting my mother, and started getting to know my step-mom, I saw how great she is.

I didn't make that same mistake with AL (I call her my third mother). By the time AL came into my life through my step-dad (well... ex-step-dad) I had learned to not listen to my mom and I've loved AL from the very beginning.

Even though I have these great moms and these great dads, I still want my childhood mom there for me in my next big events. She's gone though, and when I think about that, I start to feel like that stupid plastic bag. Of course, then my daddy randomly texts me that he loves me or my husband kisses me on the forehead and that moment passes and I'm aware of how truly blessed I am... how great I am... and that I am worth it. Those from my past are just too blind to see it.