MM and AM lived out in the country outside of town. Their roads (or lanes) weren't paved. They lived two lanes apart (2.5 miles) and MM owned a 4 wheeler, or ATV so she would often drive us to AM's, or pick us up at AM's or just come meet us at AM's.
One of us would sit behind MM, and another one or two of us would sit on the back on top of the bars. It hurt like crazy and we often had sore or bruised butts, especially after big dips! Even though MM tried to avoid them and slow down when she saw one.
One night, it was MM driving, me in the middle, and AM on the back. It was dark, and we couldn't really see, even with the headlight and MM went over a big dip and AM flew off the back. It was one of the funniest things ever, and of course, she was okay.
I was always afraid to drive a 4 wheeler. Afraid I would either crash or just somehow hurt myself. I did it a few short times, and the last time I did it, I hurt myself. I was out in the pasture at MM's grandparents and I cut a corner too sharp and caught the wire fence. It ripped through my tennis shoes and my pants leaving a huge scar on my leg. It wasn't deep, but it left a dark 5 inch scar once it healed, making it look much worse than it was. It's just a skin-toned, slightly raised line now. AM was rather freaked out, it was quite comical.
In high school, MM's family was hosting an exchange student from Australia and he was riding around on the 4 wheeler. AM, MM and I were standing near the edge talking and all of a sudden AM and I are flat on our backs from the exchange student crashing into us. AM has tire marks over her stomach and my leg hurts. We were both just bruised, but that was pretty much the last time she and I were around 4 wheelers.
Still, I have fond memories of traveling back and forth between their houses. It was fun, and something I couldn't do at home.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Don't EVER move to a new state, it's expensive
When you move to a new state, you're generally supposed to update your driver's license and license plates within 60 days. (State's time frames differ) It's been over 90 for us, but at least we did it. :b
In the state of Utah, you have to get a safety inspection and emissions test every year. There's $100 down the drain every year.
We did both our licenses and our plates today. Grand total was $250. It's really not a ton, but when that's ALL of the extra money you have left after bills this month... it's huge.
We spent $600 on a U-haul to get here. Plus about $200 in gas for said U-haul. Plus $200 in gas driving both cars down here. Then, if you're finding an apartment without jobs, you have to pay a butt-load up front. For us, we got a four month lease and had to pay it in full before they would let us move in. Plus, there's a deposit. If you have a pet, there's usually a pet deposit too. Just to move in, we had to pay over $3,500.
So, unless you HAVE to move for a job or something super important, my advice is to just stay put.
In the state of Utah, you have to get a safety inspection and emissions test every year. There's $100 down the drain every year.
We did both our licenses and our plates today. Grand total was $250. It's really not a ton, but when that's ALL of the extra money you have left after bills this month... it's huge.
We spent $600 on a U-haul to get here. Plus about $200 in gas for said U-haul. Plus $200 in gas driving both cars down here. Then, if you're finding an apartment without jobs, you have to pay a butt-load up front. For us, we got a four month lease and had to pay it in full before they would let us move in. Plus, there's a deposit. If you have a pet, there's usually a pet deposit too. Just to move in, we had to pay over $3,500.
So, unless you HAVE to move for a job or something super important, my advice is to just stay put.
J.A.M.S. liked to sing and color
If you were to sneak up on the four of us in the middle of the night, (inside or out in a tent) you would often find us either watching disney movies and singing along, or simply singing disney songs acapella. Even in high school.
Of course, we really sucked. Off key and all, but we didn't care. We just had fun singing them!
Once AM and I started living together, it became Aqua that we sang all the time.
In 7th grade, I discovered Sailor Moon on the cartoon network, and then the books in our local Waldenbooks. I still have every single book. They're out of print and uber expensive now. I'm proud. But anyway...
I soon got them into it too, and after awhile, we created our own sailor scouts. We spent so much time creating them, their profiles and then coloring traces of the original scouts. It was fun creating our own world within one of our favorite shows.
In college, AM learned how to make videos with Sailor Moon episodes and later showed me. It's one of my favorite hobbies now, I just haven't made any in a really long time. However, here's one of my latest, featuring Sailor Moon and, of course, a Disney song!
At the end of the video, I included one of my favorite scenes. It reminds me of the four of us when we came across a bug, spider, whatever. We would scream and have a parent come kill it. If there was no parent, SM was the bravest and would take care of it.
Once it was me and AM, Steve became our bug killer and that was often the exact scene in our apartment. :)
Of course, we really sucked. Off key and all, but we didn't care. We just had fun singing them!
Once AM and I started living together, it became Aqua that we sang all the time.
In 7th grade, I discovered Sailor Moon on the cartoon network, and then the books in our local Waldenbooks. I still have every single book. They're out of print and uber expensive now. I'm proud. But anyway...
I soon got them into it too, and after awhile, we created our own sailor scouts. We spent so much time creating them, their profiles and then coloring traces of the original scouts. It was fun creating our own world within one of our favorite shows.
In college, AM learned how to make videos with Sailor Moon episodes and later showed me. It's one of my favorite hobbies now, I just haven't made any in a really long time. However, here's one of my latest, featuring Sailor Moon and, of course, a Disney song!
At the end of the video, I included one of my favorite scenes. It reminds me of the four of us when we came across a bug, spider, whatever. We would scream and have a parent come kill it. If there was no parent, SM was the bravest and would take care of it.
Once it was me and AM, Steve became our bug killer and that was often the exact scene in our apartment. :)
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
J.A.M.S. Part 3
I applied to go to MSU, and everything was set up. They didn't have dorms though, and so I needed a roommate and an apartment. The original plan was SM and I would move in together because she was tired of living at home.
For my graduation, AM had shown up a day or two early, and we decided that instead, she and I wanted to live together. After talking it over with my dad, he thought AM would be a better choice because SM had either just started a job, or was having issues with her job, but something about it wasn't stable. I kept putting off telling her because I knew it would upset her, and ended up doing it the night before she left.
I was right. She was super upset, and never forgave me or AM. She had every right to be upset. I know I would have been upset too. AM and I went on with our plans hoping to resolve it with SM later. While we tried, SM didn't really feel like cooperating. AM and I found an apartment really close to the school. She and I became even closer, and SM still refused to forgive us.
She did try though. I asked her if she wanted to go with me to my great uncle's funeral across the state, and she came on the condition that I would party with her for a night when we got back. She changed her mind when we got back though, and said she didn't want to be friends. I thought we were doing really well on the trip, but I guess not. She never gave me a reason why.
It didn't occur to me until much later that the three of us could have EASILY moved in together. I guess it didn't occur to AM either, or if it did, she never said anything. Because of that little oversight, we lost one of our best friends. SM now lives in California and lives a completely different lifestyle than the rest of us. I can't believe how much she has changed. She seems happy though, and that's all that really matters I guess.
While AM and I were attempting to go to MSU, (we both dropped out) MM was going to school in Helena, and would stop by to stay the night or just for the day while she was on her way to see her parents. So we were still able to see her often enough.
I met a boy online, and for Christmas he came to visit me. Shortly after visiting, he moved in with me and AM. I was pretty selfish. It didn't occur to me to ask her if she was okay with it until he was already driving with all his stuff. I don't think she was, but she's not really one to say so, and so she said it was fine. The next fall, she moved into a house that her parent's owned and took my step-dad's black labrador since they couldn't keep him. They were moving to an apartment in another city that didn't allow dogs.
The following summer, Steve and I moved to a new apartment and got our deposit back. And I kind of screwed up again. At the time, I felt like AM shouldn't get back her half of the deposit, because AM just moved out. Getting our deposit back depended on the state of our apartment when we moved out, and our managers were uber picky. She hadn't helped us clean to make the entire apartment spotless. I realize now though, that I should have just given it to her since she did pay it.
That didn't end our friendship, but it did put a lot of distance between us. We stopped seeing each other for a while, and three months later, Steve and I moved to South Dakota. A few months after that, AM and I finally started texting again, but we haven't spoken on the phone for over 3 years. However, when we went to Montana this last summer, she did hang out with us for a day. I think that helped a lot. We talk more now than we were before. I think more time together would have really helped. However, I'm hoping that with the video chatting that AM, MM and I are going to start, we'll be closer again. AM and MM too, since I noticed they don't talk much either.
They've been my best friends since I was 11 years old, and after 12 years, I don't want to lose them.
For my graduation, AM had shown up a day or two early, and we decided that instead, she and I wanted to live together. After talking it over with my dad, he thought AM would be a better choice because SM had either just started a job, or was having issues with her job, but something about it wasn't stable. I kept putting off telling her because I knew it would upset her, and ended up doing it the night before she left.
I was right. She was super upset, and never forgave me or AM. She had every right to be upset. I know I would have been upset too. AM and I went on with our plans hoping to resolve it with SM later. While we tried, SM didn't really feel like cooperating. AM and I found an apartment really close to the school. She and I became even closer, and SM still refused to forgive us.
(We liked to play dress up, Shush)
She did try though. I asked her if she wanted to go with me to my great uncle's funeral across the state, and she came on the condition that I would party with her for a night when we got back. She changed her mind when we got back though, and said she didn't want to be friends. I thought we were doing really well on the trip, but I guess not. She never gave me a reason why.
It didn't occur to me until much later that the three of us could have EASILY moved in together. I guess it didn't occur to AM either, or if it did, she never said anything. Because of that little oversight, we lost one of our best friends. SM now lives in California and lives a completely different lifestyle than the rest of us. I can't believe how much she has changed. She seems happy though, and that's all that really matters I guess.
While AM and I were attempting to go to MSU, (we both dropped out) MM was going to school in Helena, and would stop by to stay the night or just for the day while she was on her way to see her parents. So we were still able to see her often enough.
I met a boy online, and for Christmas he came to visit me. Shortly after visiting, he moved in with me and AM. I was pretty selfish. It didn't occur to me to ask her if she was okay with it until he was already driving with all his stuff. I don't think she was, but she's not really one to say so, and so she said it was fine. The next fall, she moved into a house that her parent's owned and took my step-dad's black labrador since they couldn't keep him. They were moving to an apartment in another city that didn't allow dogs.
The following summer, Steve and I moved to a new apartment and got our deposit back. And I kind of screwed up again. At the time, I felt like AM shouldn't get back her half of the deposit, because AM just moved out. Getting our deposit back depended on the state of our apartment when we moved out, and our managers were uber picky. She hadn't helped us clean to make the entire apartment spotless. I realize now though, that I should have just given it to her since she did pay it.
That didn't end our friendship, but it did put a lot of distance between us. We stopped seeing each other for a while, and three months later, Steve and I moved to South Dakota. A few months after that, AM and I finally started texting again, but we haven't spoken on the phone for over 3 years. However, when we went to Montana this last summer, she did hang out with us for a day. I think that helped a lot. We talk more now than we were before. I think more time together would have really helped. However, I'm hoping that with the video chatting that AM, MM and I are going to start, we'll be closer again. AM and MM too, since I noticed they don't talk much either.
They've been my best friends since I was 11 years old, and after 12 years, I don't want to lose them.
Monday, January 24, 2011
J.A.M.S. Part 2
Freshman year was great. Everything basically remained the same with my friends. My home life was changing though. My mother and step-dad were fighting all the time. They started sleeping in separate rooms, and my mother started sleeping around. She even had her new boyfriend move in while my step-dad was still downstairs. And yes, they were still married.
My older sister had my beautiful niece, but I got stuck watching her all the time. Once my step-dad had moved out, she started parading guys through the house as well. It was a mess. I started skipping classes. I wasn't doing my homework. I became dangerously close to that lifestyle too. (Without the drugs and drinking, I refused to go near all that)
I spent every moment away from my house as I could. I clung to AM, MM and SM as much as possible.
Sophomore year, my mother being who she is, just could not understand what was going on with me or why I was doing so horribly in school. So she yanked me out, and made me switch schools. I hated it. I didn't get to see my friends anymore.
I made a few "friends" at my new school, but I was so over everything going on in my house. I'm glad that she pulled me away from my friends a little, because it was enough to push me over the edge. I lasted all of a quarter at that school. I called my daddy and told him I was ready to come back and live with him.
He asked me if I wanted to go to the public school near our house, or if I wanted to go to the private school my little sister was attending. I was shocked that I was given the choice. That's why I love and respect my parents (daddy and step-mom) so much. They loved me and respected me enough to ask what I want. I chose the private school because it was smaller, more convenient for them transportation wise, and I'm a bit of an elitist sometimes. A private school sounded awesome!
I went back to my mom's for the summers, the same way I had been with my dad previously. I spent all the time I could with my friends. I wasn't really there to see my mom or sister anyway. One summer, I even planned it all out so that AM and MM could pick me up at the airport and my mom wouldn't even know I was in town. I spent a week with them before I finally decided I better show up. (This was the summer after I got my cell phone, so it was easy to pull off since my mother and daddy never talked).
While I was living with my dad though, I called each of my friends often, and vice versa. MM had moved to a different town as well, and so the four of us talked as much as possible online. I would also like to note here that I went from barely passing many of my classes in Montana, to a 4.0 GPA with my dad. Home life truly does affect children.
My grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer my junior year, and so for spring break, I went back to Montana to see her. My mother had moved to another city though, and so I stayed with my step-dad and his new wife, AL, who were still living in town. I did go see my grandma, but it was really hard. She slept most of the time, and could barely talk. So I spent most of that week with my step-dad, AL and my friends.
I got to know my step-dad better, and we really connected. Without all the drama my mother caused, he and I get along really well. I am so grateful to have him in my life still, even with my mother out of both of our lives. Of course, he's been with me since I was about 4 years old, so it's not like I ever thought he'd leave me.
His wife AL is really good for him. She's nothing like my mother. She's understanding, and she's easy to talk to. She's forgiving, and she's loving. I'm happy she's there for me now, too. My mom has put her through a lot of crap, but AL still accepts me and loves me, even though I am the spawn of demon woman haha.
Despite everything, turning 17 is when I started to truly despise my mother and see her for who she truly was. She forgot my birthday. All day I waited for her call. It never came. I called her the following day and asked her why she didn't call me. She had no idea why she should have.
Once I moved in with my dad, and she started learning about my report cards, she knew that I would be graduating. At that point, she had 2 1/2 years to plan a trip to see me graduate. It's not like my older sister graduated, so you'd think it would be something special for her. She didn't come. She didn't try to come.
You know who did come? Everyone from my daddy's side of the family, my step-mom's dad, step-dad and AL, and they even brought SM with them for me. AM flew in too. I was still in school during their week of graduation, so I couldn't be there for theirs, but they came for me. MM couldn't make it because she was still in school and graduating herself, as well as family obligations.
Before everyone left, I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life...
My older sister had my beautiful niece, but I got stuck watching her all the time. Once my step-dad had moved out, she started parading guys through the house as well. It was a mess. I started skipping classes. I wasn't doing my homework. I became dangerously close to that lifestyle too. (Without the drugs and drinking, I refused to go near all that)
I spent every moment away from my house as I could. I clung to AM, MM and SM as much as possible.
Sophomore year, my mother being who she is, just could not understand what was going on with me or why I was doing so horribly in school. So she yanked me out, and made me switch schools. I hated it. I didn't get to see my friends anymore.
I made a few "friends" at my new school, but I was so over everything going on in my house. I'm glad that she pulled me away from my friends a little, because it was enough to push me over the edge. I lasted all of a quarter at that school. I called my daddy and told him I was ready to come back and live with him.
He asked me if I wanted to go to the public school near our house, or if I wanted to go to the private school my little sister was attending. I was shocked that I was given the choice. That's why I love and respect my parents (daddy and step-mom) so much. They loved me and respected me enough to ask what I want. I chose the private school because it was smaller, more convenient for them transportation wise, and I'm a bit of an elitist sometimes. A private school sounded awesome!
I went back to my mom's for the summers, the same way I had been with my dad previously. I spent all the time I could with my friends. I wasn't really there to see my mom or sister anyway. One summer, I even planned it all out so that AM and MM could pick me up at the airport and my mom wouldn't even know I was in town. I spent a week with them before I finally decided I better show up. (This was the summer after I got my cell phone, so it was easy to pull off since my mother and daddy never talked).
While I was living with my dad though, I called each of my friends often, and vice versa. MM had moved to a different town as well, and so the four of us talked as much as possible online. I would also like to note here that I went from barely passing many of my classes in Montana, to a 4.0 GPA with my dad. Home life truly does affect children.
My grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer my junior year, and so for spring break, I went back to Montana to see her. My mother had moved to another city though, and so I stayed with my step-dad and his new wife, AL, who were still living in town. I did go see my grandma, but it was really hard. She slept most of the time, and could barely talk. So I spent most of that week with my step-dad, AL and my friends.
I got to know my step-dad better, and we really connected. Without all the drama my mother caused, he and I get along really well. I am so grateful to have him in my life still, even with my mother out of both of our lives. Of course, he's been with me since I was about 4 years old, so it's not like I ever thought he'd leave me.
His wife AL is really good for him. She's nothing like my mother. She's understanding, and she's easy to talk to. She's forgiving, and she's loving. I'm happy she's there for me now, too. My mom has put her through a lot of crap, but AL still accepts me and loves me, even though I am the spawn of demon woman haha.
Despite everything, turning 17 is when I started to truly despise my mother and see her for who she truly was. She forgot my birthday. All day I waited for her call. It never came. I called her the following day and asked her why she didn't call me. She had no idea why she should have.
Once I moved in with my dad, and she started learning about my report cards, she knew that I would be graduating. At that point, she had 2 1/2 years to plan a trip to see me graduate. It's not like my older sister graduated, so you'd think it would be something special for her. She didn't come. She didn't try to come.
You know who did come? Everyone from my daddy's side of the family, my step-mom's dad, step-dad and AL, and they even brought SM with them for me. AM flew in too. I was still in school during their week of graduation, so I couldn't be there for theirs, but they came for me. MM couldn't make it because she was still in school and graduating herself, as well as family obligations.
Before everyone left, I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life...
Sunday, January 23, 2011
J.A.M.S. Part 1
In the same home room that bottled me up, I met my best friend, MM. I'm pretty sure we were assigned next to each other at some point, and I'm so grateful, because she and I clicked! We were so much alike, and it was nice to have someone to talk to.
As she and I were becoming friends, she was also becoming friends with AM on the bus ride to and from school. She later introduced us, and the three of us became inseparable. AM was a year ahead of us, so we didn't have any classes with her, but we saw her at lunch and again every opportunity outside of school. We rarely had sleep overs with just one person, it was usually both at the same time.
A year after that, SM came into the picture. I don't remember where she was before, but she joined AM and me for my seventh grade year. MM was going to a smaller school for 7th grade. SM and AM grew up together and lived right across the road from each other.
One weekend, AM and MM were both busy and couldn't spend the night and I couldn't go there. So even though I had only met SM briefly a few times, I called her and invited her to stay over and she came! She was so much braver than me! I never would have said yes! But she came and we had a blast. After that, the four of us were together all the time. Our parents had a heck of a time with all four of us at once. We took turns though, so it was really only about one weekend a month at each house.
We didn't do just one nighters. We did the whole weekend! And on breaks, we tried to do the whole break. Of course, when we started getting sick of each other we'd take a break, but that didn't happen too often. Like I said, we were inseparable.
As we got older, MM and I started staying the night on weeknights too. AM and SM couldn't join us on these, because they were in high school, and MM and I were still in 8th grade.
I had moved across town, so I couldn't take the normal school bus anymore. I had to take the city bus to get to school now. MM and I had missed it one morning and decided that the school wasn't too far and that we could walk.
It was chilly that morning, and we had light jackets. By the time we got to the school, we were freezing. It was about 3 miles, and took us about an hour. We were about 10 minutes late. I had a choir rehearsal that morning. My teacher pulled me aside afterwards and asked if I was okay. My face was pretty red from the cold, and I guess she thought I'd been crying. I told her I was fine and walked away. I didn't realize 'til later that she had been worried about me, but being 13, I kind of just brushed it off.
We had other friends of course and we tried to give them time too. A lot of those friendships haven't really lasted though, and I know that with my friends, it was probably my fault. I gave more priority to AM, MM and SM. I'm glad I had them while I did though.
Then came high school, and things started to change...
As she and I were becoming friends, she was also becoming friends with AM on the bus ride to and from school. She later introduced us, and the three of us became inseparable. AM was a year ahead of us, so we didn't have any classes with her, but we saw her at lunch and again every opportunity outside of school. We rarely had sleep overs with just one person, it was usually both at the same time.
A year after that, SM came into the picture. I don't remember where she was before, but she joined AM and me for my seventh grade year. MM was going to a smaller school for 7th grade. SM and AM grew up together and lived right across the road from each other.
One weekend, AM and MM were both busy and couldn't spend the night and I couldn't go there. So even though I had only met SM briefly a few times, I called her and invited her to stay over and she came! She was so much braver than me! I never would have said yes! But she came and we had a blast. After that, the four of us were together all the time. Our parents had a heck of a time with all four of us at once. We took turns though, so it was really only about one weekend a month at each house.
We didn't do just one nighters. We did the whole weekend! And on breaks, we tried to do the whole break. Of course, when we started getting sick of each other we'd take a break, but that didn't happen too often. Like I said, we were inseparable.
As we got older, MM and I started staying the night on weeknights too. AM and SM couldn't join us on these, because they were in high school, and MM and I were still in 8th grade.
I had moved across town, so I couldn't take the normal school bus anymore. I had to take the city bus to get to school now. MM and I had missed it one morning and decided that the school wasn't too far and that we could walk.
It was chilly that morning, and we had light jackets. By the time we got to the school, we were freezing. It was about 3 miles, and took us about an hour. We were about 10 minutes late. I had a choir rehearsal that morning. My teacher pulled me aside afterwards and asked if I was okay. My face was pretty red from the cold, and I guess she thought I'd been crying. I told her I was fine and walked away. I didn't realize 'til later that she had been worried about me, but being 13, I kind of just brushed it off.
We had other friends of course and we tried to give them time too. A lot of those friendships haven't really lasted though, and I know that with my friends, it was probably my fault. I gave more priority to AM, MM and SM. I'm glad I had them while I did though.
Then came high school, and things started to change...
Talking vs. Texting
When I got my first cell phone (when I was 16, and after a LOT of begging) I wanted texting. My parents blocked it though. >:| I wanted it because it was new and it was cool. They agreed a year later and I loved it!
Talking is certainly a lot faster, but that leaves room for long and awkward silences. I hate those! They seem to happen a lot with me. I'm definitely more of a listener than a talker, and so that automatically means the person I'm talking to needs to be a talker. If they're not, silence.
It's just easier to text. It takes the pressure off. If someone says something shocking or awkward, it gives you more time to think about your response. If you just have a quick question that doesn't need to be answered immediately, there's no reason to call. Just send them a quick text!
With family, I do text some of them but I still call them. It's important to stay in contact with family, and I think that quality is important when it comes to family. It'd be great if my grandparents got away from dial-up (it still exists??? - I know, right?) and got a webcam, but I don't think that will happen any time soon. I would love to skype with them, though.
The problems with texting is that you can't always tell how a person means to come off. You can't hear the sarcasm if it's there. Texting can be confusing. Even though it has it's own set of issues, I still love it and use it more often than not.
How do you feel about texting vs talking?
Talking is certainly a lot faster, but that leaves room for long and awkward silences. I hate those! They seem to happen a lot with me. I'm definitely more of a listener than a talker, and so that automatically means the person I'm talking to needs to be a talker. If they're not, silence.
It's just easier to text. It takes the pressure off. If someone says something shocking or awkward, it gives you more time to think about your response. If you just have a quick question that doesn't need to be answered immediately, there's no reason to call. Just send them a quick text!
With family, I do text some of them but I still call them. It's important to stay in contact with family, and I think that quality is important when it comes to family. It'd be great if my grandparents got away from dial-up (it still exists??? - I know, right?) and got a webcam, but I don't think that will happen any time soon. I would love to skype with them, though.
The problems with texting is that you can't always tell how a person means to come off. You can't hear the sarcasm if it's there. Texting can be confusing. Even though it has it's own set of issues, I still love it and use it more often than not.
How do you feel about texting vs talking?
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Let's Get Real
I originally started blogging to talk about my life. I've been surfacing it though. Afraid to let out the true thoughts, feelings and every day things going on.
Afraid of what? I don't know for sure. A lot of things I guess. Afraid of what others will think of the real, inner me and then being rejected, made fun of, laughed at, and feeling even more alone. It's the main reason I regret letting facebook know about my blog. I feel like I should have just let go in private, and later let facebook in once I was comfortable and confident. However, I did that backwards and now I have a bit of an audience.
Of course, I've never been confident. It pretty much started in 6th grade, at a new school, in a new state. I missed my first day of school for some reason, and when I went in the next day, there was assigned seating. My homeroom teacher told me where to sit, and the boy I had to sit next to said "Great. I get the fat girl." It really shocked me. I didn't know I was fat. I was 10.
I wasn't skinny, but I wasn't fat. I'd say I was a pretty normal 10 year old.
That snarky little comment from a stupid little boy sank in though. It turned me into the quiet girl who started to believe she was fat. It became self-fulfilling prophecy. I was new to the city and so I didn't have any friends yet. I didn't really have anyone to turn to. I couldn't talk to my mom (who I was now living with) because I couldn't trust her.
She laughed at me for my mistakes (like calling the skin of a potato "crust"), laughed at the songs I made up for my daddy when I was packing, and took everything personally. I was a happy and bright child and I let her, my sister (who was always mean to me - slamming my fingers in doors, yelling at me, hitting me, pushing me) and that little boy take that away from me.
I was afraid to be myself because of them. I still am. The habits and mannerisms we develop when we're young really define us.
I'm 23 years old and I'm just starting to get back to the real me. I'm starting to face what made me who I am and changing the things I don't like.
I want to put myself out there and make friends, but everyone wants to go out to eat or get coffee. We're broke. We're still adjusting. I can't spare any money on that type of thing. There really isn't anything to do that's free without going to someone's home. I don't feel comfortable doing that with someone I just met, nor do I want a new person in my home. So I'm kind of stuck.
How do you meet new people and make friends with no money to "date" them?
How do you get back to your old friends, or school acquaintances without having to go out?
Afraid of what? I don't know for sure. A lot of things I guess. Afraid of what others will think of the real, inner me and then being rejected, made fun of, laughed at, and feeling even more alone. It's the main reason I regret letting facebook know about my blog. I feel like I should have just let go in private, and later let facebook in once I was comfortable and confident. However, I did that backwards and now I have a bit of an audience.
Of course, I've never been confident. It pretty much started in 6th grade, at a new school, in a new state. I missed my first day of school for some reason, and when I went in the next day, there was assigned seating. My homeroom teacher told me where to sit, and the boy I had to sit next to said "Great. I get the fat girl." It really shocked me. I didn't know I was fat. I was 10.
I wasn't skinny, but I wasn't fat. I'd say I was a pretty normal 10 year old.
That snarky little comment from a stupid little boy sank in though. It turned me into the quiet girl who started to believe she was fat. It became self-fulfilling prophecy. I was new to the city and so I didn't have any friends yet. I didn't really have anyone to turn to. I couldn't talk to my mom (who I was now living with) because I couldn't trust her.
She laughed at me for my mistakes (like calling the skin of a potato "crust"), laughed at the songs I made up for my daddy when I was packing, and took everything personally. I was a happy and bright child and I let her, my sister (who was always mean to me - slamming my fingers in doors, yelling at me, hitting me, pushing me) and that little boy take that away from me.
I was afraid to be myself because of them. I still am. The habits and mannerisms we develop when we're young really define us.
I'm 23 years old and I'm just starting to get back to the real me. I'm starting to face what made me who I am and changing the things I don't like.
I want to put myself out there and make friends, but everyone wants to go out to eat or get coffee. We're broke. We're still adjusting. I can't spare any money on that type of thing. There really isn't anything to do that's free without going to someone's home. I don't feel comfortable doing that with someone I just met, nor do I want a new person in my home. So I'm kind of stuck.
How do you meet new people and make friends with no money to "date" them?
How do you get back to your old friends, or school acquaintances without having to go out?
Thursday, January 20, 2011
My Last Supper
My menu - if I were to ever have a last supper. Mind you, I couldn't eat it all in normal portions, but a few bites of each would be heaven!
Steak, well done but still juicy
Ribs made by my daddy
Mashed potatoes, loaded with cheese and pieces of bacon
Strawberries
Chocolate covered pineapple
My mom's handmade tortillas with a little butter
My mom's enchiladas
Fettuccine Alfredo from Olive Garden
Chocolate cake made by my friend NB
Puppy chow made by my grandma
Mmmmm... Yeah. I think that would do. All my favorites! So if I ever need a last meal for some reason, you know what to get me. :)
Steak, well done but still juicy
Ribs made by my daddy
Mashed potatoes, loaded with cheese and pieces of bacon
Strawberries
Chocolate covered pineapple
My mom's handmade tortillas with a little butter
My mom's enchiladas
Fettuccine Alfredo from Olive Garden
Chocolate cake made by my friend NB
Puppy chow made by my grandma
Mmmmm... Yeah. I think that would do. All my favorites! So if I ever need a last meal for some reason, you know what to get me. :)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Memories
AM, MM and I were in AM's car driving around when we saw my mom's van. I told AM to speed up so we could wave. When we got next to the van we all smiled and waved, except... it wasn't my mom. It was some really creepy-looking guys with awful teeth.
We were so embarrassed and ended up stopping at the red light next to them. They thought we had been trying to flirt with them, and that just made it worse. Luckily, we were in the turn lane and they were in the straight so we were able to make a quick getaway.
We were so embarrassed and ended up stopping at the red light next to them. They thought we had been trying to flirt with them, and that just made it worse. Luckily, we were in the turn lane and they were in the straight so we were able to make a quick getaway.
Friday, January 14, 2011
I love when others...
have love and compassion for animals. I know how much I love and adore animals, even the ones that scare me because they could not only kill me, but eat me. I hate reptiles... but even they deserve respect. I really despise anyone who can purposely hurt, neglect and torture animals. I don't understand how anyone can enjoy causing pain on another living being, especially those so defenseless, even more especially those that love you unconditionally. I can't watch animal cops. I turn away from the commercials depicting abused animals that either need adoption, or simply money to help them get better. I would adopt them all if I could. I would support them all if I could.
My manager adopted a kitty yesterday, and got to pick him up today. She is so freaking excited! She was glowing just talking about him and describing him. And I LOVE that! I love that humans have the capacity to love like that. She's only just met him, and she already loves him and is excited about their future together.
Of course people are like that, and even more so, with babies, but I think that's natural. To have love for animals... it's wonderful! Beautiful! Joyful!
My manager adopted a kitty yesterday, and got to pick him up today. She is so freaking excited! She was glowing just talking about him and describing him. And I LOVE that! I love that humans have the capacity to love like that. She's only just met him, and she already loves him and is excited about their future together.
Of course people are like that, and even more so, with babies, but I think that's natural. To have love for animals... it's wonderful! Beautiful! Joyful!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
The Hunger Games - You MUST Read It!
What an amazing series! Amazing doesn't even cover it. Suzanne Collins is brilliant.
The Hunger Games is a young adult series, but everyone is devouring it! Working in a bookstore, I would know. As well as friends across the country who've already read it.
Katniss, a 16 year old girl, has struggled to keep her family fed after her father's death when she was 9. She lives in a future that has destroyed most of America, which is now just 12 districts and the capitol. The nation (aside from the capitol) is poorly fed, and poorly treated in general. They are not allowed to leave their districts, and certainly allowed no contact with other districts. Once, the districts tried to rebel against the capitol, but were defeated. As a reminder of their defeat, the capitol hosts "the hunger games" every year. Two children from each district between the ages of 12 and 18, one boy and one girl, are chosen out of a raffle to go to an arena and fight to the death. The last one standing wins. And of course, all 12 districts are forced to watch as their children are murdered by each other. As Katniss is in the arena trying to survive, without meaning to, she shows signs of rebellion against the capitol... inspiring and encouraging the districts to do the same.
I want to tell you so much more, but you just need to read it. There's a love story thrown in too... but I can't really tell you about that without revealing too much. So please please read it! And let me know what you think when you do!
I seriously need to join a book club or something...
The Hunger Games is a young adult series, but everyone is devouring it! Working in a bookstore, I would know. As well as friends across the country who've already read it.
Katniss, a 16 year old girl, has struggled to keep her family fed after her father's death when she was 9. She lives in a future that has destroyed most of America, which is now just 12 districts and the capitol. The nation (aside from the capitol) is poorly fed, and poorly treated in general. They are not allowed to leave their districts, and certainly allowed no contact with other districts. Once, the districts tried to rebel against the capitol, but were defeated. As a reminder of their defeat, the capitol hosts "the hunger games" every year. Two children from each district between the ages of 12 and 18, one boy and one girl, are chosen out of a raffle to go to an arena and fight to the death. The last one standing wins. And of course, all 12 districts are forced to watch as their children are murdered by each other. As Katniss is in the arena trying to survive, without meaning to, she shows signs of rebellion against the capitol... inspiring and encouraging the districts to do the same.
I want to tell you so much more, but you just need to read it. There's a love story thrown in too... but I can't really tell you about that without revealing too much. So please please read it! And let me know what you think when you do!
I seriously need to join a book club or something...
Saturday, January 8, 2011
How to NOT get sick
Just about everyone at my work has called out sick recently. Even managers. But not me, I've gotten more shifts because of it!
Some have had the throwing up flu, while others have had severe colds. One of my managers was just diagnosed with pneumonia today. Have I mentioned recently how much I hate winter? It's the season to be sick. Add that to my list of reasons to hate winter.
When everyone around me is sick, here is what I do to prevent me getting sick. It doesn't ALWAYS work, but most of the time it does.
- I wash my hands every chance I get at work.
- I sanitize my register a few times during my shift if I am cashiering.
- I try not to touch anywhere on my face.
- I blow my nose when it starts to run.
- If I'm starting to cough for any reason besides choking, I eat a cough drop.
- When my throat starts to get sore and doesn't go away after eating or drinking, I take theraflu cough medicine.
- If I feel something coming on I sleep extra, and stay away from sugar and any carbonation (even though I don't really drink soda anyway).
So far this season I haven't been sick. I'm super excited, and I hope I can keep it up!!!
Some have had the throwing up flu, while others have had severe colds. One of my managers was just diagnosed with pneumonia today. Have I mentioned recently how much I hate winter? It's the season to be sick. Add that to my list of reasons to hate winter.
When everyone around me is sick, here is what I do to prevent me getting sick. It doesn't ALWAYS work, but most of the time it does.
- I wash my hands every chance I get at work.
- I sanitize my register a few times during my shift if I am cashiering.
- I try not to touch anywhere on my face.
- I blow my nose when it starts to run.
- If I'm starting to cough for any reason besides choking, I eat a cough drop.
- When my throat starts to get sore and doesn't go away after eating or drinking, I take theraflu cough medicine.
- If I feel something coming on I sleep extra, and stay away from sugar and any carbonation (even though I don't really drink soda anyway).
So far this season I haven't been sick. I'm super excited, and I hope I can keep it up!!!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Fountain of Wishes
I watched "When in Rome" the other day, a story started with a fountain of love and the coins people threw into it.
Well, it made me think about fountains in general, and all the coins (and wishes) people throw into them. I know "the rule" is to not tell anyone your secret wish, but I'm going to share mine with you because I'm not superstitious.
I've had the same wish, same prayer, same hope for about 5 years now. It's always to have more time with my husband. Always. It's what I want most in the world, above world peace - because I'm selfish like that. I want at least another 50 years. At least.
Not many couples make it to that 50 year mark in their marriage, and I want to be one of the proud few. Not for bragging rights, mind you. I just want that time together.
Well, it made me think about fountains in general, and all the coins (and wishes) people throw into them. I know "the rule" is to not tell anyone your secret wish, but I'm going to share mine with you because I'm not superstitious.
I've had the same wish, same prayer, same hope for about 5 years now. It's always to have more time with my husband. Always. It's what I want most in the world, above world peace - because I'm selfish like that. I want at least another 50 years. At least.
Not many couples make it to that 50 year mark in their marriage, and I want to be one of the proud few. Not for bragging rights, mind you. I just want that time together.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Denny's with Booksellers
I went to Denny's with 9 of my co-workers last night after closing. It was a lot of fun! It's nice to get know them outside of work!
You learn things you wouldn't normally learn. We chit chat at work during down time, but it has to stay at a professional level for the most part.
My husband came too, and he and one of the guys played paper football across the length of the tables. Once, Steve made a perfect score and hit him in the nose. It was awesome and everyone clapped.
Everyone I work with is pretty cool. There's only one person I really don't like, and that's because she's arrogant and rude. She talks down to everyone. I have no idea how she's a manager, but thankfully I don't have to deal with her much.
Now that the holidays are over, I'm not getting many hours, but I hope I pick up more once a few people leave for school. Pretty much everyone's schedule looks like mine though, so I know it's not because I'm doing poorly.
You learn things you wouldn't normally learn. We chit chat at work during down time, but it has to stay at a professional level for the most part.
My husband came too, and he and one of the guys played paper football across the length of the tables. Once, Steve made a perfect score and hit him in the nose. It was awesome and everyone clapped.
Everyone I work with is pretty cool. There's only one person I really don't like, and that's because she's arrogant and rude. She talks down to everyone. I have no idea how she's a manager, but thankfully I don't have to deal with her much.
Now that the holidays are over, I'm not getting many hours, but I hope I pick up more once a few people leave for school. Pretty much everyone's schedule looks like mine though, so I know it's not because I'm doing poorly.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Stop messing with the calendar!!!
I buy a planner every year so I can write my work schedule in it. All of my schedules are written in the normal, typical, expected Sunday through Saturday week.
I didn't even notice, but the planner I bought this years runs Monday through Sunday! I hate it! Leave the freaking calendar alone. Just because the government, and corporate people generally start their work week on Monday, doesn't mean everyone else does!!!
I've seen full month calendars like that too and it drives me nuts. I don't know who made it so, or when it was made so, but I grew up with all calendars starting on Sunday. I hate that some people are trying to change it.
No, I can't exchange the planner, but thanks for trying to help. I already ripped out September through December. I just wish I had noticed sooner. Oh well... I'll be more careful in the future.
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