Afraid of what? I don't know for sure. A lot of things I guess. Afraid of what others will think of the real, inner me and then being rejected, made fun of, laughed at, and feeling even more alone. It's the main reason I regret letting facebook know about my blog. I feel like I should have just let go in private, and later let facebook in once I was comfortable and confident. However, I did that backwards and now I have a bit of an audience.
Of course, I've never been confident. It pretty much started in 6th grade, at a new school, in a new state. I missed my first day of school for some reason, and when I went in the next day, there was assigned seating. My homeroom teacher told me where to sit, and the boy I had to sit next to said "Great. I get the fat girl." It really shocked me. I didn't know I was fat. I was 10.
I wasn't skinny, but I wasn't fat. I'd say I was a pretty normal 10 year old.
That snarky little comment from a stupid little boy sank in though. It turned me into the quiet girl who started to believe she was fat. It became self-fulfilling prophecy. I was new to the city and so I didn't have any friends yet. I didn't really have anyone to turn to. I couldn't talk to my mom (who I was now living with) because I couldn't trust her.
She laughed at me for my mistakes (like calling the skin of a potato "crust"), laughed at the songs I made up for my daddy when I was packing, and took everything personally. I was a happy and bright child and I let her, my sister (who was always mean to me - slamming my fingers in doors, yelling at me, hitting me, pushing me) and that little boy take that away from me.
I was afraid to be myself because of them. I still am. The habits and mannerisms we develop when we're young really define us.
I'm 23 years old and I'm just starting to get back to the real me. I'm starting to face what made me who I am and changing the things I don't like.
I want to put myself out there and make friends, but everyone wants to go out to eat or get coffee. We're broke. We're still adjusting. I can't spare any money on that type of thing. There really isn't anything to do that's free without going to someone's home. I don't feel comfortable doing that with someone I just met, nor do I want a new person in my home. So I'm kind of stuck.
How do you meet new people and make friends with no money to "date" them?
How do you get back to your old friends, or school acquaintances without having to go out?
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