I haven't stopped blogging. I've just been doing it privately. But I figured I would let you all know that I'm not actively seeking pregnancy. I'm doing other things like training for a 5k. I'm okay with being a new mom at 27 or 28 and not 26. I still like that it's just me and Steve.

I have spent the last few years feeling like a failure. I dropped out of college and I've only ever worked in retail. I gained too much weight, I spend too much time indoors and now I'm unemployed with my only responsibilities being housework and feeding my husband and I, and maybe entertaining the cat once in awhile. Let's be honest, cats barely need a glance in their direction to be content. But I'm starting to not care about how other people see me. It wasn't that long ago that it was perfectly okay for a wife not to work. Sure, we don't have money for trips around the world, or even the U.S. and our home is poorly decorated and we still wear clothes that we bought a few years ago, but we don't need more than what we have.

Our bills are paid, we have food in our kitchen and a roof over our heads in a safe place. We're together. We're happy. That's what matters.

Volunteering

Steve is thinking about volunteering for a deployment. It's a lot of extra tax free money if he goes. We could pay off our smaller loan completely and either put a big dent in our car loan, or actually build up some savings.

I don't want him to go though. It's super hard when he is gone. I think it will be even more so because he won't be tucked safely inside the US somewhere. I don't have a job to distract me this time either.

I did tell him that whatever he decides, I'll support him and do my best not to complain. It is 100% his decision because it is his life, his safety and he has to actually go through it.

I'd feel guilty asking him to stay if he really wants to go. It's not just about the money, he wants to serve his country.

I'd feel guilty pushing him to go, too. If something happened to him because we wanted more money, I couldn't deal with that. It's different when they make you go on your turn versus choosing to go.

I don't know what my point is... those are just my thoughts.

You Can't Have Both

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago to talk about my health and I also told her we had just started trying to conceive.

She stopped what she was doing, looked at me and flat out told me I can't have both. I need to focus on one or the other.

So, we are no longer trying. We will start again in the fall. Finances are tight right now until we can get our car loan transferred to our own bank in February and then I want to focus on getting a few smaller debts paid off this year while building up our savings. I think my doctor visit was perfect timing. I'm glad she was so upfront about it, too.

I'm still not taking the methotrexate pills for my psoriasis, and I'm not on any hormonal birth control either. I figure I can let my body get back to normal in the meantime.