Day 10: Goodbye, Mom

Someone You Need to Let Go, or Wish You Didn't Know

I can't say I wish I didn't know her because up until I was about 14, she was pretty awesome. We fought a lot, but most mothers and daughters do. She fell apart when her second marriage fell apart. This might be crazy to you, but I'm still pretty darn close to my step-dad. He's been a part of my life since I was 4. Just because she was having issues didn't mean I had to let him go, so I didn't. He's amazing and I love him. He's the main reason we went to Montana for a visit this summer.

This post isn't about him though. For the first time in 6 years, I talked to my mom the other night and I got no where with her. Absolutely no where, and it breaks my heart. The only thing I gained from our conversation was a few answers and some closure.

I needed to know if she loved me, and missed me. I needed to know if she ever thought about me. And most importantly, I needed to know how my beautiful, wonderful little niece was doing. Thankfully, she's doing wonderful and has a real passion for God. I couldn't be happier!

Still I got no where. I was able to tell her some of the anger I held with her, as well as let her know that I forgive her. I forgive her of everything, except one thing. And because I couldn't forgive this one thing, she refuses to let the past be the past. She and I can't have a relationship because of it.

It basically boils down to this. She hasn't changed a bit. After our conversation, I emailed her two pictures - one of me and her son-in-law she'll never meet, and one of just me. She emailed me back with "Manipulation... attempt at guilt trip... vague details to try to intrigue me enough to feel bad... Goodbye my Jessica."

While I don't want to let her go, because she is my mom, I am letting her go. She is a part of my past. I went against the advice I was given to not talk to her, but I had to try. I had to try one last time and I did my best. I'm letting her go for good, and I'm giving it all to God.